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As Chef Boyardee conclusively proved, nothing makes children react explode with nova-like rage than the suggestion they consume a plant. If it isn't deep-fried, dipped in caramel or both, you'd have as much luck getting a kid to eat a carrot as you would teaching a kitten calligraphy. This is as solid a truth in advertising as you are likely to find, as universally understood as the fact that once a month, women menstruate windshield-wiper fluid.
Thank goodness Hidden Valley is here to defuse the ticking time-bomb of psychotic fury that is your child's aversion to vitamins. Their creamy balm of salad salve is all that stands between your progeny and crippling beriberi, rickets, or any number of other hilarious-sounding deficiencies. It helps if your definition of "balanced diet" includes the phrase "fat-slathered." It doesn't have to be right at the top, even.
Let's not beat around the dressing-drenched bush, Hidden Valley. You aren't making vegetables any more delectable. You're making everything taste like ranch. You could dip a fistful of lug nuts and pigeon bones into that gallon-sized bowl of dressing you got there and it would taste the same as a piece of cauliflower.
Do you think after emptying the fourth or fifth bottle of ranch dressing into that bowl, the mom took a moment to wonder about the exact moment she lost her fucking mind? Just out of frame, she's chewing on the end of her ponytail and murmuring, "I'm a good cook. I'm a good cook. I'm. A. Good. Cook."
Don't get me wrong, ranch dressing is some tasty stuff. Few people would dispute that, and you lunatics in the Pacific Northwest seem to think it's a fair replacement for other foodstuffs like ketchup or bread. But just because something is tasty does not justify loading into a fire hose and spraying your children with it under the guise of proper nutrition. That would be as insane as trying to make high-fructose corn syrup sound healthy.
Oh.
Chances I will buy Hidden Valley ranch dressing thanks to this ad: Proper hidden valleys are filled with iguana dinosaurs and giant apes, not flavored mayonnaise.
Yuck. I hate ranch dressing.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the Smart Balance spray for my veggies and blue cheese for my salads. And if Hidden Valley doesn't like it they can bite me!
As for the HFCS - man, I wish that stuff would be banned.
"Ranch" is one of those flavours that signifies the end of society's ability to differentiate between "good" and "bad" tastes. But making it seem like children will go nuts for broccoli cones dipped in salad dressing is just evil spin. Kids aren't that stupid.
ReplyDeleteAs for high-fructose corn syrup... well, cocaine is derived from a plant, doesn't have a lot of artificial ingredients, and is fantastic in moderation, too.
I'm just sayin'.
I think it's interesting that Hidden Valley doesn't happen to mention that the cup full of dressing added to a few carrots and a lettuce leaf effectively strips all health benefits away. If they buy that cone, with my eyeballing it, they're guzzling a cup of straight dressing.
ReplyDeleteTo put that in perspective, that's 960 calories, 112 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 2080 mg of sodium, and 80 mg of cholesterol.
I feel a little ill looking at the swimming pool of dressing.
I live in the Pacific Northwest and my brother-in-law loves pouring ranch dressing on pretty much everything he eats.
ReplyDeleteWatching that Hidden Valley ad reminded me of that "Don't Drown Your Food" PSA from the '70s.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfEG15CLTqo
In the far-ahead future when white people are replaced with uncanny automatons, ranch dressing will the only way we will be able to distinguish them from their robotic counterparts. That and chicken fingers.
ReplyDeleteAnd by "we" I mean the jive-talking colored-automatons. Sheeeeeeit.
Say what you will about HFCS that lady just got PWNED into the next century.
ReplyDeleteEh... The second commercial, if you ask me, has a valid point. It wasn't by any means trying to make hfcs sound healthy, rather, it was trying to tell people that it isn't the deadly poison health nuts try to make it out to be. Too much of anything (vitamins, minerals, and water included) is dangerous, and people in America seem to be unable to grasp the fact that there's a difference between 'unhealthy' and 'fine if you don't eat too much', and simply assume sugar is bad because it's recommended that you eat less of it than, say, vitamin c. Drinking something with hfcs in it every now and again isn't going to make you obese, but drinking it ten times a day will. That's the point the second ad was trying to make, not that it's healthy.
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